MASH Notes
by hippiechick2112
Summary: This is Maxwell Q. Klinger reporting, writer of the newly published MASH NOTES, a weekly camp newspaper. Feel free to subscribe and read and write for it, but it will cost you. Read more for pricing and news.
1. September 19, 1950

**M*A*S*H Notes**

**Note and Disclaimer: Yep, that's right. I, and everyone else here, still don't own M*A*S*H. However, I had an idea after watching season 9 today and remembering this being done in the Hogan's Heroes section of this website, so I'm sorry if I stole the idea.**

**Co-written with Ms. New York (AKA my most wonderful friend, April), this will be a newspaper of some sorts. Anyway, instead of M*A*S*H Notes by Klinger, we can all chip in and start from the beginning…all by Klinger and others, of course. If you want to write a column or add a little something special (like a nurse sending a message out or something similar to that), please message me or I'll be giving you my email address for communication. Because of my busy schedule, though, this might be updating once a week at the very least, so please be patient and I'll add everyone's story in. It might not be in the edition you want it to be, but it'll be there. Thank you!**

* * *

**M*A*S*H Notes**

By: Maxwell Q. Klinger, A.K.A. Dorothy

…Well, for today anyway

**KOREA! M*A*S*H 4077****th****  
September 19, 1950**

Well, folks, this is the first edition of the _M*A*S*H Notes_, so listen up before you just pick this up and read this deep well of Klinger genius. Subscription prices are $2 or $25 a year. If you get it hot off the press on the stand outside Post-Op, it's 10¢. Special delivery to your doormats is an additional $2. Anyone else but me delivering your news will be given $1, 50¢ of it going to me.

Remember, if you want (or need) to put in an advertisement, it'll be an additional $1 for each section. Added writers will be sending in another $2 a month for being writers under me only, Corporal Klinger, except for certain officers and the camp priest, who donate so much already. Anything else is subject to debate and can only be discussed in my quarters alone…with Radar as my witness, of course.

If you're an office higher than the rank of Captain, you get the High Officers' Discount. Or, if you're a priest, you get the Black and White Collar Discount. Nurses get to pay $1 a month if they donate makeup and dresses to the Klinger Collection. Anyone who helps yours truly, Maxwell Q. Klinger, get a Section Eight and/or escape from Korea, they will be entirely in my debt and never to be forgotten. From Toledo, you'll be sent a lifetime supply of baklava and many well wishes from the Klinger family, a tradition that has been carried down since I was a baby with a violin in my crib.

And you can all thank Colonel Blake, who is the most WONDERFUL Colonel of Colonels in Korea. He is supplying the tools and brains necessary to make _M*A*S*H Notes _a complete success in this camp, perhaps even surpassing _Stars and Stripes_ in popularity. And I have faith in the man, so let's give a good cheer to Colonel Blake!

And now, let's get for the news and more from Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger…

~00~ ~00~

**NOTES AND ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM COLONEL BLAKE**

This little charade of Klinger's may be the best idea ever to boost morale in this camp full of dedicated, childish people, even those who go over my sleepy little head to those higher up the food chain than I am. However, anyone, and I mean ANYONE, in this camp who helps Klinger with a Section Eight and/or getting him back to Toledo before his Army tenure is finished will be subjected to the same punishments as Klinger himself. Is that understood?!

Now, with that being said, I do want to make a few more announcements. First is, there will be the first Army lecture about the topic of **SEX** in the Mess Tent this Saturday, September 23. All enlisted personnel are ordered to this lecture, per Army regulations. Officers are welcome, but it is not necessary for them to be present for this…umm, presentation.

Secondly, as a reminder from Majors Frank Burns and Margaret Houlihan, any and all personnel caught with their pants down and any alcoholic drinks in their hands after the scheduled curfew of 2300 hours is subject to punishment as well. All personnel are required to be in uniform (as well as me) and unless specified, nobody will be in civilian garb. There will be no exceptions, not even bathrobes that especially came from home and are trimmed with a special lining that will make the cold more bearable this autumn season.

And finally, anyone with information about the Officers' Latrine Bandit needs to come forward. All Army supply shipments have been stalled, due to a new offensive (the U.N. pushing up past Pusan, so we can get a move on north), so there will be no toilet paper in the officers' latrine for a while longer. The enlisted personnel's latrine has remained untouched and I must repeat that NO self-respecting officer is to go in there to partake of the precious cargo needed for our butts.

While the above announcement will defer our bandit's little nightly raids, I also understand that magazines are still a little hard on the behind. Toilet paper will be forthcoming, according to Radar, in the next week or so. All officers must be patient and remain calm, especially now.

~00~ ~00~

**Extra! Extra! Read all about it! WAR IN KOREA‼**

~00~ ~00~

"**Remember When?" Contest  
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger**

Does everyone remember when we were out of World War II? When we all thought that we were on top of the world and our country was one of the best in the world?

Well, I don't. I hope the rest of you do, though.

Anyway, we keep getting told that we were so focused on the new N.A.T.O. thing and General Marshall's new plan, the development of the United Nations and even the threat of Communism that we forgot about little old Korea. We had military advisors there and everything, but we forgot about this little country that was divided after the end of the last war.

On Sunday, June 25, 1950, we all heard about how the Communists invaded all of the southern part of Korea, the Republic of South Korea, as we know it. About five days later, President Truman commits all of us to the fight the Communists and tells the United Nations that we will fight to the dirty end. Afterward, we're all thrown into this war, the same war that everyone back home likes to call a "police action".

Naturally, as everyone also knows, on Thursday, July 6, M*A*S*H 4077th is established by Major Houlihan and twelve of her nurses. After that, us men came along and command was given to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.

Well, this isn't the point of this article, to remind everyone how we all came to this wormhole and why we're here in Korea. What I want to ask everyone is, "So, do you remember when things were so great and we didn't know about Korea?"

In about two hundred words or less, we want to know what you remember about civilian life, before you heard of Korea and were drafted or assigned here. Contest rules, other than the word length, are as follows:

~No co-writing with another person

~No obscene language or scenes

~Legible handwriting, no typing it out

~Ask not about supplies being sent here

~NO fashion advice, especially to me!

All entries MUST be put in the locked and labeled box on Radar's desk. Contest ends on September 26. Winners will be announced the next day. The prizes, you ask? Well, first prize gets a free twenty-four hour pass to Seoul, whenever we get up that way and they're free from North Korea. Second place winner gets to choose a date for a night, anyway they want it and anyone they want. Third place winners will receive the Christmas Nativity scene that was accidentally shipped to us a few weeks ago. Honorable Mention gets a free night to sleep with Radar's teddy bear.

~00~ ~00~

**MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP**

_My dearest Hawkeye,_

_Please, I would love a night with you in the Supply Tent, if Major Houlihan can spare me for one magical evening. You seem to be the sweetest man I could ever be with. I only don't know if I am woman enough to share you with the rest of the nursing staff, though._

_Sincerely, Divine Wrath_

~00~

_My dear little Oak Leave,_

_Allow me to express the depth of my soul to you. Last night, writing to General Barker like we did, was the greatest joy of my life, in this wonderful paradise. Oh, without this war, you would not he come to me, so lovely and vulnerable, and joined your little leaves with mine. Without you, my soul will never be complete. I love you._

_More tomorrow, my sweetest princess. Sweet dreams!_

_Love, your Pumpkin Spice_

~00~

_Lt. Leslie Dish, still calling for Painless Pole! Come in, Painless Pole! Are you still in that coffin in the V.I.P. tent?!_

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT**** FROM MAJOR HOULIHAN**

ALL members of the nursing stall, male and female, are to report to me for a meeting in the Mess Tent tomorrow, September 20, at 0900 hours, and everyone better not have an excuse if they miss it. Anyone on a shift will report immediately to my tent afterward to be briefed on the meeting. The subject of the meeting will be new escape routes, devised by the Army, for our safety, as well as new regulations. Doctors, orderlies and all other personnel are also welcome to the meeting, but are to sit away from the female nurses.

~00~ ~00~

**DEAR AUNT SADIE**

_Dear Aunt Sadie,_

_I've just arrived here late last month and boy, am I tired of this war already! I don't want to be here anymore. All the staff here hates me, the door gets slammed in my face all the time and everyone ignores me. My nose has been broken a few times. And, worst of all perhaps, people even pry into my personal things without asking. What do I do?_

_Sincerely, Lonely Greenery_

~00~

_Dear Lonely Greenery,_

_I don't know what to say. I feel for you, kid. However, you can always act crazy and get a Section Eight. Dress in clothes of the opposite gender. Then, you can go home, be happy and stay with the ones you love instead of the ones who hate you._

_Sincerely, Aunt Sadie (who DOES love you!)_

~00~ ~00~

**WEATHER**

**Today:** Partly cloudy with a chance of showers or artillery in the evening, temperatures being around forty degrees all day and night.

**Tomorrow:** Cloudy with a chance of all kinds of showers, temperatures being around fifty-five. By evening, we're supposed to be moving if there's fighting showers!

~00~ ~00~

**More news later, folks! When all the money is in and the subscriptions have been counted out, then a new edition will be in and more news written down. But, don't worry! We'll be back for more **_**M*A*S*H Notes**_**! ~Klinger**


	2. September 30, 1950

**KOREA! M*A*S*H 4077****th****  
September 30, 1950**

Hey, everyone, it's your favorite orderly man – woman – Klinger here! This edition of _M*A*S*H Notes_ has more to love! More stories, more sections, more news…if this war will allow me some time to write! Now, sit tight and don't let the bedbugs bite you as you read the news and think of the wonderful contributions you will be making to the fund box in my tent. Remember the pricing and always come to me when you have questions or comments. There is a new comments box in Colonel Blake's office, so do drop by with some words of wisdom!

By the way, sorry about the late edition. Remember our move north, just on the northern skirts of Pusan? Well, some stories got lost and the printing press was destroyed in a fit of rage by our very own…well, we won't get into that, we will? This man is in enough trouble as it is.

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT FROM COLONEL BLAKE**

I understand that the officers' tushes have been a little more than sore these days and the magazines have been running low, even the _National Geographic_, which comes in from Mrs. Frank Burns. According to Radar, we will have more magazines for the officers' latrine shortly. A shipment will be in tonight.

Now, our Officers' Latrine Bandit had almost been caught in the enlisted personnel's latrine last night and we were close to catching him. However, had it not been for Major Burns, who gallantly went in at his own risk and tried to catch the culprit late last night, we would have had the fiend found and tried him or her for bodily behind assault on an United States officer, many times over.

Of course, anyone with additional information can come to my office P.D.Q. We need to find this man (or woman) now!

~00~ ~00~

**Extra! Extra! Read all about it! WAR IN KOREA STILL RAGES ON‼**

~00~ ~00~

**Escape Plan Goes Down for Desperate Man  
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger**

The genius plan of Corporal Maxwell Q "Klinger" escaping the United States Army has once again failed. The Corporal, who is currently the temporary company clerk of the 4077th MASH, as well as the founder of this very newspaper, is well known for his different schemes of escape by wearing dresses – from flying away in a homemade kite to wearing no clothing at all.

The attempt this week consisted of love letters, wedding dress, flowers and General McArthur. As one can obviously tell, it did not end well, for he is still running this newspaper. Klinger's ingenious idea was to somehow win over the heart of the beloved Commander of the Armed Forces General Douglas MacArthur. It did not go well. The General ignored these proclamations of love and dismissed it without an explanation. As brokenhearted as Klinger was, he took stuff into his own hands…for discreet reasons against the United States Army, I cannot give out the details of the matter, or Corporal Klinger will be facing court-martial and possible death.

Will no one hear the desperate plea of a desperate man? Will no one ever see the insanity behind the sane? Will a kind and gentle Colonel take pity on a man who should not be in the army? Pretty soon, readers, we will find out. Stay tuned!

To add a quick tidbit: If any three of our wonderful, fantastic surgeons would be willing to sign the insanity papers to help the poor soul get out quicker, you know where to find me. I urge you to please look upon this poor man and open your hearts to those who are less fortunate than you and have no purpose of being drafted in the Army. Thank you.

~00~ ~00~

"**Remember When?" Contest Winners!  
By: Corporal "Radar" O'Reilly**

The winners of Corporal Maxwell Klinger's "Remember When?" Contest are as follows.

First place: Father Mulcahy!  
Second place: Captain O.W. "Spearchucker" Jones!  
Third place: Colonel and Mrs. Colonel Blake!  
Honorable Mentions: Too many to count, but the winner (or winners) will be announced soon!

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT**** FROM THOSE IN THE SWAMP (MINUS MAJOR BURNS)**

All nurses, if possible, are to report to the Swamp at 1900 tomorrow night for a movie, popcorn and drinks. The movie will be a surprise, but the temptations won't be!

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MAJOR HOULIHAN**

ANY nurse under my command that goes to the meeting in "The Swamp" tomorrow night will be subject to severe discipline, from any and all Army regulations and receive a kick from my boots in your sore behinds. In addition, you will be pulling double shifts for the next two months and not be able to recreate in your spare time.

~00~ ~00~

**SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT**

~Pusan still is being fought over, so we'll be here in town for a while!

~The North Koreans are fighting back here in Pusan, so the war might be heading towards our doors soon and I mean soon!

~Our next destination north is unknown, as the fighting is still going on, but the U.N. is expected to be bringing in more troops committed to fighting in Korea.

~Already, Great Britain, Turkey and other U.N. countries will be joining us here in Korea.

~00~ ~00~

**MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP**

_Dear Father Mulcahy,_

_I do find it a little awkward to be writing to you, a priest that is sworn to serve God alone and not those of the flesh. However, I find it in my heart to tell you how wonderful of a man you are. Your services are an inspiration to us all. You try your hardest to be the man that God wants you to be and we all know that. I am truly grateful to hear your words of wisdom, whenever it is possible, and beam with pride at the man you have become._

_However, if you find it in your heart to forsake your vows, I am right here. I love you, Father Mulcahy, and am more than willing to show you what you've missed since you've been in seminary school. Just pick up the stockings on the bulletin board and I'll show you what heaven should be like…with a bottle of wine._

_~~0 The Angel Gabrielle 0~~_

~00~

_Dearest Love, my Darling Trapper,_

_I remember all of those nights, when we've made love in the Supply Tent, and we whispered sweet nothings all night. It was the best time of my life, thinking that there was no war and Major Houlihan over my shoulder. Then, you were the most wonderful man I could ever dream of being with. Then, you were the man I thought about marrying and spending the rest of my life with. You were a miracle man in disguise._

_You scum, I found the letter from your wife and daughters and the letters you're writing back to them. You want to keep dating me now or continue keeping secrets from the one who is supposed to love you more?! Make your choice now!_

_Sincerely, Poison Maker_

~00~

_Hawkeye,_

_Remember the martini from your still that you had me taste test last night?_

_Yeah, well…so do I. I am still puking and burping it up. It made me recall all those times when I was drunk off of another idiot's tab and it made me feel stupider in the morning. Thank you for a wonderful night and for reminding me that, no matter what, I should always make my own drinks._

_Love, White as a Ghost_

~00~

_Painless Pole, calling Painless Pole! Get out of that V.I.P. tent, Painless!_

_Love, Lt. Dish (who is thinking about going for another man‼)_

~00~ ~00~

**DEAR AUNT SADIE**

_Dear Aunt Sadie,_

_I feel like a dolt writing to you, but I need some advice. And hopefully, you will be able to give it to me._

_First of all, I am a nurse and admired by many, many men, including Generals and other high-ranking officers. They have helped me along, but it has been me who will always be first and foremost in my life. I mean, the highlight of my career has been to become an officer of the U.S. Army and to be the nurse that I always wanted to be. I am proud of what I have achieved and where I am right now._

_Secondly, and I will be blunt, I am single and now tied to a chinless wonder who is married, has bad breathe and is too easy of a target. That's my life._

_What do you think, Aunt Sadie? Should I dump the man or keep him? Should I flaunt my beauty to other men or have a relationship with a married man?_

_Sincerely, Truly Blonde_

~00~

_Dear Truly Blonde,_

_Dump the chinless wonder and find another man. There are always many fish in the sea. That's all I can say._

_Love, Aunt Sadie_

~00~ ~00~

**WEATHER**

**Today:** Cloudy with a chance of showers, according to _Stars and Stripes_. Lows will be in the forties, high around fifty degrees.

**Tomorrow:** Cloudy still, with another chance of showers and some artillery along the way. Lows will be in the upper thirties, highs around forty-five.

~00~ ~00~

**Hey, everyone! Sorry about the short edition, but there's sure to be more where that came from! Of course, if everyone chipped in…well, hell, anyway, the next edition will come out soon. I understand we're moving out soon to a little more permanent location, other than Pusan, so I am hoping for more inspiration and paper. Bring it on, North Korea and China! Here comes Maxwell Q. Klinger – Super Genius!**


	3. October 7, 1950

**KOREA! M*A*S*H 4077****th****  
October 7, 1950**

Hey, everyone, it's Klinger again! Back with _M*A*S*H Notes_ and there's more news where we came from, especially in the excitement of moving north and settling down, this time to Namji, R.O.K.! This time, there will be more sections, more interesting articles and, most of all, the possible answer (if we can agree on one) to the mystery everyone has been asking each other since we all came here and the Officers' Latrines have been emptied of toilet paper and filled with magazines.

Hopefully, you will all remember how your contributions are making this newspaper a hit success in camp and you will still put money in the box, when Radar has the chance of leaving it out for all to see. Enjoy!

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENTS**** FROM COLONEL BLAKE**

As we all know, the Officers' Latrine Bandit has been plaguing our every officers' butts ever since we landed here and camped in Pusan. There have been many campouts from outside the latrines and there have been attempts to catch this thief of thieves, especially of those from the Swamp (and they've been good enough to do it for us, trust me). Now, if those doctors from the Swamp would kindly hand over their nudist magazines, then we would have a better supply here in Officer Land.

Secondly, the second Army lecture on **SEX** will be scheduled for this coming Wednesday, October 11. All enlisted are, of course, required to go to this lecture. All **SERIOUS** officers who are interested in going may do so as well. There will be no whistling, throwing of popcorn or pretzels or even…umm, lewd remarks, especially to those who are a little more naïve than most and don't need the added commentary.

Lastly, as a reminder, curfews have been pushed back, according to new Army regulations and because of new offensives which will be featured on later. All personnel have to be in their beds, unless on shift, in the O.R. or guard duty, by 2200 hours. Again, anybody caught with their pants down, drinks in hands or even a coat hanger on the Supply Room door will be punished to whatever means Majors Burns and Houlihan see fit. Personally, I wouldn't care, I like a warm bed, but rules and regulations need to be followed and the ones who are seeing to it will tell me if they are.

~00~ ~00~

**Extra! Extra! Read all about it! WAR IN KOREA STILL RAGES ON, UP AND NORTHWARD‼**

~00~ ~00~

"**Remember When?" Contest Winners for Honorable Mention!  
By: Corporal "Radar" O'Reilly**

The Honorable Mention winners of Corporal Maxwell Klinger's "Remember When?" Contest are as follows…

Well, according to Colonel Blake, there are too many people who qualify for this prize. As compensation (I think that's the word I want, according to Colonel Blake), all personnel interested will have one night with MY teddy bear. However, you better make some room, since I will also be sleeping with you. I can't part with my teddy bear for one night, especially to everyone in camp.

~00~ ~00~

**NEW! Daily Dating Tips from Those Who Know Best: The Nurses  
This week's corresponded by: Lt. Leslie Dish **

Greetings, all ladies of the 4077th! I am honored, let alone privileged to be the first woman of our lovely unit to start this column, and assist all ladies in a dating crisis. As agreed upon, all nurses will take turns each week (depending on how long Klinger will keep it going) to discuss briefly any advice about the men of our unit. There is only one rule and that is no mentioning of names. By our descriptions, we and they will know who they are. This will be extremely helpful for all traveling nurses. Please enjoy!

So, today's tip will be more of warning signals that the men want to be in our company. One particular phrase that I hear a lot from a certain man (again it shall remain nameless). That phrase is "You make a great lower lip sandwich." Now, obviously this will happen if you are in fact kissing the gentleman, but the point of the matter is ladies: at this point in time he will keep going on and on in that make out session. If you do not want to go any further, I advise that you get away if you can before it goes in too deep and you can't get out at all. Don't be surprised if he pressures you into more, that is.

And that, my friends concludes the first annual "Daily Dating Tips". Good luck, ladies, and Godspeed!

~00~ ~00~

**The Officers' Latrine Bandit  
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger and Corporal "Radar" O'Reilly**

Ho, who goes there now? Whew, it's usually an officer over there! And what a lot of them with sore butts there these last few weeks. The Officers' Latrine Bandit has been at it ever since we came to Pusan and here's why! A ransom note for toilet paper has been left in Colonel Blake's office and copied by his company clerk for widespread awareness of how fiendish this crook really is.

_To all concerned:_

_Hand over the soft paper for my own little tush or be prepared for the consequences! You've already suffered enough since I've been in town, but it's not enough for me. How much more are you willing to pay for me to reveal myself?_

_Sincerely, the Officers' Latrine Bandit_

See how this fiend works? See how irritable this crook makes our officers? And surely, to make our finest doctors camp out, searching for him with fly swatters and martini glasses! It is unbearable, I tell you all now. And in the middle of this horrible war in Korea, mind you!

We all cannot agree on who this person might be, but there are suspects in the pool and all of them have denied any involvement. Of course, there are certain officers who blame certain others and don't keep their mouth shuts when they've supposed to. There are fights about it in the Mess Tent, as we have seen this past week, but all should be well once we have the answer as to who this latrine paper-stealing person is! And, most certainly, Colonel Blake would like to know and know soon!

And to reveal himself (or her, perhaps) would be the highlight of our lives here in Korea. Of course, punishment will be severe now, if Major Houlihan can make it happen with her Grade-A Army boots. If anyone has any information about the whereabouts of this devil, please kindly report to Colonel Blake's office P.D.Q., as he needs the information to put together a case against the Bandit. Major Houlihan would also like to be informed of the finger pointing, so pray tell her as well.

More information will be available when it is released. Surely, Colonel Blake would be kind enough to tell his company clerk what other startling facts are about this man (or woman) that has made our lives miserable for so long now?! Inquiring minds need to know now!

~00~ ~00~

**SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT**

~On September 30, R.O.K. troops have crossed the 38th Parallel. It means that we might be going north, everyone‼

~"Big Mac" is told to continue his advance northward (after given permission to do so) and to destroy all of the North Korean force on the same day, when the R.O.K. guys crossed into North Korea. Remember, just the day before, he and R.O.K. President Syngman Rhee crossed into Seoul, telling us to remain in the rear until further notice.

~On the other hand, Zhou En-lai, who is Premier of China, notified India's representative to China that, if American Forces cross the 38th Parallel, China will intervene. Mao had already informed Russia of this decision. So, we might have to stay where we are or go back to Pusan, depending on where the fighting will be.

~I guess we'll have the Chinese on our butts now, folks! Stayed tuned, for we might have to move south again if the Chinese fight back against the R.O.K. now.

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE MEN IN THE SWAMP (MINUS MAJOR BURNS)**

There will be a few raffles and drinks tomorrow night, October 8, in the Swamp. Anyone with more information for us about the Officers' Latrine Bandit will be given more drinks and a night in the Supply Room (only if they are a nurse). Anyone else…well, if they can bet money on if Major Houlihan can kick the tush of the Bandit, we have a raffle for that. And we also have one for EXACTLY when and where Five O'clock Charles will drop his next bomb.

Please come and join us for that and much more! Enlisted men are welcome! And, as always, will Major Sidney Freedman swing drinks with us, here also to observe us at our craziest…and to complain about his behind as well. He's just as mad as we are!

And, naturally, in two nights, we will have our monthly poker match. Everyone knows the rules, so all not invited are asked to kindly make way for those that are. We don't need a bigger crowd than what we had last month!

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MAJORS BURNS AND HOULIHAN**

Anyone who is caught carousing in the "Swamp" tomorrow night will be subject to SEVERE military discipline, especially on the night in which poker is being planned. Major Freedman may be here to observe us at our finest, but we also an ARMY BASE and will be treating each other with as much respect and decor as possible. Being at our laziest and stupidest will result in poor reports to Headquarters (from us or Major Freedman), now stationed in Seoul.

Please be advised of any updates about the war news and about anything concerning moving out of here. Naturally, we'll be moving on when General MacArthur tells us to do. We are the cream of America, the glue that sticks this war together. Let's keep it alive for him and the troops!

~00~ ~00~

**MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP**

_Dear Max,_

_Well, may I call you Max? I don't know if I can or not. After all, you ARE in a dress all the time. And I can hardly say that you look like a man or woman, more in-between. Well, whatever you are, I just wanna say how swell you seem. Would you like to meet me for the movie on Thursday night? It's only _Country Fair_ again and being with you would make it more worthwhile._

_Sincerely, Woman for a Woman_

~00~

_Dearest Painless Pole,_

_It's been several weeks now since I've tried to get your attention. Now, it's pointless and so are you. You keep hiding in that damned coffin of yours and it's making me sick. I love you, Painless, but you've got to go. I can't stand loving a man who only plays in a coffin…by himself‼_

_However, if you ever need me…_

~00~

_My darling Father Mulcahy,_

_Since words still cannot describe how much I still love you, let me show you how, since you seem to want to ignore my last invitation. Meet me in my tent at 2100 hours. The rest of the ladies will be gone and the bunks will be ours._

_Please respond soon or I'll reveal your dirty little secrets._

_~~0 The Angel Gabrielle 0~~_

~00~

_Lovable Little Toes,_

_I cannot wait for the night in which I will be able to suck on those delicious little appendages of your foot. I even have some colors to match the chinless wonder of a face you have, a little rogue that might brighten that pale face of yours._

_Well, if only your wife didn't write to you so much and you respond to her. Maybe, if you'd stop mentioning her, I'd do a little more than suck your little piggies and paint your well-chiseled face._

_Love, Little Ducky_

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCMENT FROM AUNT SADIE**

_Dear Aunt Sadie_ will not be featured this week. My poor little mind is boggled by the letters of advice people keep sending to me. But, never fear! I will be back next week, when all is well and things have quieted down. My mind is only racing!

~00~ ~00~

**WEATHER**

**Today:** Cloudy with some sunshine in the late afternoon, according to _Stars and Stripes_ and its lousy weather reports. Lows will be in the forties, high around fifty degrees or more.

**Tomorrow:** Sunny, with some artillery along the way, telling us which way to go mobile. Lows will be in the upper thirties to low forties, highs around forty-four.

~00~ ~00~

**Welcome to Namji from Corporal Klinger! And hopefully, it'll be the last that we see of this dump. With "Big Mac" on the run with the R.O.K., we're sure to go north. However, with the Chinese now on our tails, we're in for a tough row, folks. So, buckle down and get ready, because we're going mobile soon and so will this printing press of news! Get it while it's hot, everyone, and make sure to tune in next week for another exciting edition of the news‼**


	4. October 14, 1950

**Hey, everyone! Sorry about the late update with everything. Life has been busy lately. However, I would like to thank April (Ms. New York) for all the help she's given for this work. :D If anyone has any items or articles, please message me here (or if you're friends with me on Facebook, try there). I would take in anything. Thank you!**

* * *

**Korea! M*A*S*H 4077****th****  
October 14, 1950**

Hey, everyone, we're almost out of Namji (I can hope)! Only one more day and we're going north again and so will this printing press of news. It's Maxwell Q. Klinger again and here is another exciting edition of _M*A*S*H News_. Anything that is good to print is good enough for me…if it's news worthy, of course. Just remember your due, everyone, and this print of mine will be going on until the end of the war!

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM COLONEL BLAKE**

As always, any information regarding the Officers' Latrine Bandit is always welcome. Already, the magazines that have replaced any soft paper tissue have disappeared last night (which was our last shipment) and we've have had some itchy bottoms instead of sore ones this past day. Please come to my office immediately if anybody has **ANY** idea of who this person might be.

To distract ourselves from the itches, though, the Army has sent us a new movie. What it is yet, I don't know. The movie, however, will be starting at 1900 hours tomorrow night at the Mess Tent. Popcorn will be served, but it is a first come, first serve basis. We have yet to have a large shipment of the stuff yet, so hold your horses, don't trample anyone on the way and be patient. We'll get to some sort of civilization soon enough before the war knocks on our doorstep once more.

Lastly, as a reminder once more, curfews have been pushed back, according to new Army regulations and because of new offensives and wartime cuddle bugs. All personnel have to be in their beds, unless on shift, in the O.R. or guard duty, by 2200 hours. As always, anybody caught with their pants down, drinks in hands or even a coat hanger on the Supply Room door will be punished to whatever means Majors Burns and Houlihan see fit. So, don't come screaming to me if they have gotten to you.

~00~ ~00~

**Extra! Extra! Read all about it! WAR IN KOREA STILL RAGES ONWARD, UPWARD AND NORTHWARD‼ MORE TO FOLLOW‼**

~00~ ~00~

**Daily Dating Tips from Those Who Know Best: The Nurses  
This week's correspondent: Nurse Kelley**

Aloha everybody! (That's "Hello" in Hawaii for those who do not know.) I feel so honored to be this week's correspondent for the Dating Tips us nurses have started. Why waste time jabbering on. Let's get started!

Now, as everyone (particularly the males of this outfit and not just the surgeons) have noticed that I, myself is not the most attractive, slim woman in this outfit. I have no problem dressing in normal clothes or even putting my hair in pigtails (which has apparently become my trademark around here). I'm proud of it and not here to impress the men of this unit who goggle over their "trophy girlfriends".

Ladies, I have to put this out there. Why do you impress them? Why dress to please? If a man really loved you, he'd love you for you, not for your body or your looks. He will love you for you. He will want to spend time with you and have no problem to pick at your brain to talk about books, hobbies or anything of interest. He won't want you for one night for a "good time". That term is loosely and always used around here, as if it is a prideful thing to brag about. Being used for a good time is nothing to be bragged about. Ladies, it is pathetic that men need to do that just to satisfy their buddies and bodies. That disgusts me.

Now, I'm not saying that all men are like that, especially in a war zone, but I am saying that the majority of men are in fact like that. It's sad. Really sad. Looks come and go but brains are forever.

So my tip to you this week, ladies, is: be yourself. Don't dolly yourself up to get a great night out. Wait for that special guy who can see you for you not for a trophy. A real man will appreciate a woman for who she really is, not who she is pretending to me.

Well, that's my tip for this week, ladies! Hope to write really soon! Be careful and be true to you. After all, you deserve the best!

~00~ ~00~

"**A Desperate Man", Part II  
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger**

Hello once again, fellow readers! As you may recall in a previous story by me, I told you about an attempt of getting out of here. Well, fellow readers, I have another one! And if I didn't get caught, I'd probably be home right now.

This is an old one, but most of you are fairly new to this neck of the woods, so sit back and enjoy! Might as well fill you in on previous attempts.

The genius of Maxwell Q. Klinger is highly looked over, as if it does not exist. Let me tell you, it does and one day it will be very well recognized.

Anyway, one night, right after this man was wonderfully transferred to this war, he was dutifully appointed guard duty at night. Recently in the course of events of our M*A*S*H unit, one of our surgeons, Captain Hawkeye Pierce, was appointed Chief Surgeon (thank God). Anyway, this was one of the earlier attempts to get out of the Army, on the same night said Captain was appointed to his new position. Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger decided to be on duty in his birthday suit. That's right, folks, this genius went on duty naked.

By this point you must be thinking, "Is he crazy?" Or the ever popular, "What is he thinking?" And once again I will tell you, I was thinking of one thing and one thing only: Toledo. Of course, what else would I be thinking about? No surprises, considering all of you are thinking of your hometowns as well. Would you not take any measures to get there, just as desperately as I am right now?

Anyway back to my story: this attempt by the Corporal was not the best. It got a couple giggles and chastising from our visiting General Barker, Colonel Blake and Captains Pierce and McIntyre. Only information I got was to put on some type of slip.

Needless to say, I'm still here writing this story and head editor of this lovely paper. Concerning this story, I have decided to take a survey. Now, dear readers, if you were to see a naked man on duty with nothing but a gun in his hands, would you not think that he should go home? All opinions concerning the matter should be submitted to the one and only Colonel Henry Blake, care of the 4077th M*A*S*H.

Mark my words, the genius of this desperate man will be noticed. I'll be sure of it! Until next time, folks, watch out for my next scheme!

P.S. If you are reading this Colonel Blake, Sir, PLEASE SEND ME HOME!

~00~ ~00~

**MESSAGE FROM THE OFFICERS' LATRINE BANDIT!**

_If this war does not end soon enough, your little behinds will be in a sling and it won't be mine, of course. You used to have sore butts, but now you have itchy ones. How much longer can you hold onto your precious cargo in this camp whilst I, the lonely and lovely Latrine Bandit, watch and laugh behind your backs as it disappears from your hands?_

_Catch me if you can, everyone, because if you can't…this is going to be one long war._

~00~ ~00~

**SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT**

~There has been an U.N. sanctioned fight to the border as of October 9. We don't know how this will affect us, but it's bound to bring us more wounded. Gear up, everyone!

~There have been rumors already that the Chinese are in Korea. The 38th-40th Army has been said to be in North Korea and coming down.

~Our favorite Joe, old Stalin in Russia, has said that when the Chinese go to war, he will help to provide aircraft and weapons. Global warfare has been mentioned many times over, but if Russia comes into the war, World War III will probably hit us.

~On October 15, President Truman met with Big Mac on Wake Island. On the same day, the C.I.A.-led R.O.K. irregular troops reported to have seen the Chinese cross the Yalu River, which gives support to the rumors that the Chinese are crossing into North Korea. From what we know, Truman and Big Mac have not been told about the rumors…yet. Maybe.

~Big Mac has been debating whether or not we should smash North Korea and China, had all the troops gotten in there yet. If so, we'll be moving northward once more and the American Dream of white bread, apple pie and Mom will be transplanted into the Communists' life. Thank you to Captain Pierce for the commentary on the news.

~00~ ~00~

**NEW! From the Mess Tent  
By: Private Igor Straminsky**

I'm not much into writing anything, but by some type of demand I have been asked to write a daily update about the Mess Tent. Like we're all looking forward to that! And it wouldn't be a surprise if this was avoided, considering most of you trash the food anyway.

I just want to say this: I do not decide what to eat! I'm only the delivery boy! In the event you decide to go on strike like one of you have done (sorry Captain Pierce), do not get it out on me. Complain to the Army.

Anyway, the only thing I can tell you about the meals of the week is that it is liver or fish or anything in between. Who knows with the Army? It's always some sort of mystery with what we get. And I don't know what supplies they send until it's ready for me to deliver to the Mess Tent.

This is the only update I can give at the moment. Got questions, go ask our manger of the kitchen (which is not me). I've only been suggested to write this.

I'll be seeing you!

~00~ ~00~

**MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP**

_Dear Max,_

_I didn't see you for _Country Fair_ last week, since you've been busy running around naked and being on guard duty. I must say, though, you looked perfectly dashing…my hero in disguise. It makes me wish for more. Oh, my heart beats with excitement every time I think about it!_

_Say, why don't you meet me in the Supply Room tent after the movie tomorrow night? I'll leave a bra hanging on the door. Just bring your sewing machine and some curlers. I'll bring the wine and glasses, along with some love._

_Until then –_

_Woman for a Woman_

~00~

_My darling, lovable Francis Mulcahy,_

_Your visit to me in my tent a while back was a dream come true. Although, I must say, you playing my father figure was a little…challenging for me to change, to say the least. We need to work on that, to ease you into a role of fun and games. After all, if you can't enjoy life, it isn't worth living._

_Untwist that collar a little more. Come with me to the movie tomorrow night. I think showing off what a wonderful couple we are will be the best thing for you. Come while you can, before these angelic wings envelope you once more._

_~~0 The Angel Gabrielle 0~~_

~00~

_Hawkeye,_

_Last night was wonderful with you. A candlelit supper with nothing but spam, dirty water and Mess Tent mush was that best evening I've had in a while. If only you didn't mention horrible little nurse that you've been chasing around lately, the one with the mousy brown hair and tasteless grey eyes. It would have made the evening better._

_With much love, Witch Hazel_

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT FROM AUNT SADIE**

This week, I'm sad to say, will also not feature _Dear Aunt Sadie_. My inspiration – my hat – has been stolen from my tent late last night. If anyone has any information about the whereabouts of the hat (along with any gossip about the Officers' Latrine Bandit) will be rewarded. Radar does have passes to Tokyo, if you so choose to be cooperative enough (as well as Colonel Blake and the war). _That_ should be reward enough for help poor Aunt Sadie!

Next week, though, I am hoping to feature some letters I've been receiving along with my advice, if the hat comes back. Stay tuned, my dear children, and Aunt Sadie will be back and not just with pancakes and maple syrup!

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MAJOR HOULIHAN**

Anybody caught doing anything but getting or adding supplies to the Supply Room and Tent will be severely punished. The room and tent are for Army supplies only and both are desperately needed in these dire times. It is NOT a place where a couple can meet and have time alone together. You all have tents. Coordinate with your tent mates on scheduling alone time, but don't do it on Army space and time.

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SWAMPMEN (MINUS MAJOR BURNS)**

Even though the raffles for the Officers' Latrine Bandit and Five O'clock Charlie have been trashed by our very own Majors Burns and Houlihan (and will continue when they are not in sight), we still have raffles for dates. That's right! All nurses, every night we're all not on duty, can raffle off their favorite doctor, orderly or enlisted man! All male winners will have a night with a lovely nurse, wherever that may be. All events that happen afterward are up to whatever the mood may be for both parties involved.

~00~ ~00~

**ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MAJOR BURNS**

All officers off duty tomorrow at 0630 hours will be obligated and ordered in helping to train the R.O.K. soldiers that have gathered here in this great, patriotic war to defeat the Communist Menace. These fine Korean men will be helping in defeating the great enemy that flies the skies and tried to destroy whatever dignity we have at our camp. That enemy is what you all call "Five O'clock Charlie".

In addition, any officers not able to come and do not have duty will be severely punished according to Army regulations. It is the duty of every officer not only to escape from the enemy, but to help in perishing them. May God help America in this fight against the Communists!

~00~ ~00~

**WEATHER**

**Today:** According to _Stars and Stripes_, there will be some chance of rain today, but it will be mostly cloudy. Highs in the forties, lows around thirty-five.

**Tomorrow:** It'll be still cloudy, but the heavy winds will tell us where to go to next. High around fifty, low around forty-seven.

~00~ ~00~

**And that's it for this week's edition, everyone! Until next week (where I am hope we can all be anywhere but here in Namji and be bombed almost everyday), we'll be here with the news, weather and other announcements from the 4077****th**** M*A*S*H. So, sit back, relax and enjoy what news is worthy to print. This is Maxwell Q. Klinger, signing off for now!**


End file.
